Ode to Paul's Basement
Every healthy teenager
Needs a place to retreat
Like a treehouse or a clubhouse
Mine was right across the street
We found our cherished haven
In the basement over at Paul's
Acoustic tile overhead
And wood-panelled walls
Long before the trials
Of marriage and employment
Paul's rec room was the site
Of our greatest enjoyment
Here is Paul's sofa
Stained with soda and coffee
Here is Paul's tarantula
Which, for some reason, he named Khaddafi
Paul: i'll admit, that's pretty funny, but i don't remember anyone drinking coffee...
Jason: nothing else rhymes with khaddafi
Paul: what about 'toffee'?
Jason: shut up
Here is Paul's beloved father
Who usually stays upstairs
Of the late-night debauchery
He is generally unaware
Except that time he surprised
An unsuspecting couple
Making out in Paul's bedroom
And we all got in trouble
Paul: wasn't that Matt?
Jason: yes
Paul: i can't believe they were making out in my bed! i had to SLEEP in there, for god's sake...
Jason: lighten up, paul, that was like 22 years ago
Paul: okay, but still - geez, Matt, keep it in your pants
Within this subterranean
And shag-carpetted setting
We partook of heavy metal
And also heavy petting
Paul: okay, that's gross. i mean... really? yuck.
Clint Hill was often present
Cami Ostman and Joy Boyer
In the rec room or the bathroom
'Cos Paul didn't have a foyer
Paul: yes i did - what do you think that small area just inside the door is called?
Jason: that's not a foyer, that's a landing
Paul: that's exactly what a foyer is!
Jason: look, dumbass, who's writing this poem? you want to take over?
Paul: no, no, i'm not saying that, it's just, i don't like you misrepresenting-
Jason: i'm moving on, okay? unless you have something important-?
Paul: no, no, i'm done
The group included two Jeffs
One being Paul's younger brother
There were also multiple Erics
First Creery, and then... some others
Paul: oh wait, wait! i've got one:
"Don't forget Matt Thompson
Who changed his last name to Terry
And also Jenny Brender
Who Jason later would marry"
Jason: so now you're writing this poem...?
Paul: no, sorry. go on.
Clint also met his wife there
Though Eric didn't, sadly
Not for lack of trying
But it always ended badly
Paul: well, Clint didn't actually meet Sue in my basement...
Jason: if you'd stop yammering for a second, you might enjoy this next verse
Paul: i think you mean 'stanza'
Jason: sweet mother of god...
Presiding over this milieu
Of squalor proletariat
Paul sat ensconced in his La-Z-Boy
Like Ben Hur in his chariot
Paul: that's very well written... striking imagery
Jason: i thought you'd like it
Though an honor roll student
I could find no replacement
Paul: i can see this coming a mile away...
For the after-school programs
Which were held in Paul's Basement
Paul: yeesh
In the electronics sessions
We all learned several tricks
Like using Paul's silver boombox
To illegally dupe albums by Styx
Paul: i want to make it very clear that those were only backup tapes for personal use, of albums that i had purchased at full value
Jason: you are pathetic
Paul: look, the last thing we need is to have the RIAA slap a lawsuit on us
Jason: remember that time you duped those metallica albums and gave copies to everyone?
Paul: okay, now - that is just a bald-faced lie. do not listen to him!
Jason: in fact, i think you charged me $5 for one of those tapes
Paul: shut up!
Jason: YOU shut up!
In Paul's Basement classroom
By recessed incandescent lighting
We studied the films of George Romero
And practiced creative writing
Stringed instrument repair shop
And musicological academy
And on the couch, under blankets
We took lessons in human anatomy
Paul: that started pretty well, but you had to drag it right down into the gutter, didn't you?
Before Peter Gabriel concerts
And after Drama rehearsals
We gathered to share our friends' triumphs
And our girlfriend fortune reversals
Paul: boy, you can say that again! remember when Grace dumped you? you were-
Jason: shut up
David Lynch and Stanley Kubrick
King Crimson and Foxtrot-era Genesis
I believe I was the one who said
"It would be beautiful if we could share all of this..."
Paul: first of all, this is the most awkward stanza yet, and second, if you're trying to claim that this website was your idea-
Paul scoffed, "That'll never happen!
It would require some sort of global network!
And no such network exists!
Or at least it doesn't yet, jerk!"
Paul: i don't even know where to begin... this NEVER HAPPENED
But my dream of a worldwide Paul's Basement
Remained lucid and undiminished
Long after petulant Paul's
Luddite whining was finished
Paul: Luddite my ASS! who's got the more advanced home theater system - you or me? who has a master's degree in computer science - you or me?
I will shout it from the rooftops
I will claim my rightful placement
As the person who had the idea
To make a website and call it "Paul's Basement"
Paul: lies. all lies.
The basement was in Paul's house
That much I cannot deny
But if you're asking who came up with the website
Well, you're looking at the guy!
Paul: complete and utter fabrications
I also invented paper towels
And discovered the semi-colon
I've written five best-selling novels
And always score highly when bowlin'
Paul: and now we see the real jason, completely disconnected from reality, lost in his self-involved hallucinations. you are delusional, my friend. do you hear me? DELUSIONAL!
I built Hoover Dam with my own two hands
I'm also an Oscar-winning director
And if we're comparing grammar
My grammar is always correct-er
Paul: HA! no it's NOT, because "correct-er" isn't even a WORD! now you're inventing your own LANGUAGE!
I'm a member of the Supreme Court
And I'm dating Sigourney Weaver
I invented the-
Paul: that's it, i'm shutting down this poem
Jason: this is why people don't like you, paul - you're a party pooper! I oughta -
Paul: good bye. show's over, folks. move along.
